http://www.terpsboy.com/
(or
if that's broke, http://rschultz.blogspot.com/
Something Funny
http://www.terpsboy.com/ (or if that's broke, http://rschultz.blogspot.com/
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Four brothers left home for college. They became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in her house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600 with a chauffeur."
The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Scriptures. And you know, too, she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty priests twelve years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church. Let me tell you...it was worth it. All Mama has to do is name a chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mama sent out her thank you notes. She wrote:
Dear Milton, The house you built is so huge. I live in only one
room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.
Mama
Dear Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries
delivered, so I never use the Mercedes...and the driver you hired is a
Democrat. The thought was good. Thanks anyway.
Mama
Dear Manny, You give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could
hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and
I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the
same.
Mama.
Dearest Melvin, You were the only son to have the good sense to give a
little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you.
Mama
The Man Code
This is a collection of rules that every man should live by. It originated in an article written by Maxim, but with some help from the valet boys (Vaida & Dodds) and now the guys at Mifflin, they have become law. The rules are to be followed at all times. They can only be changed by the creators and even that requires a majority vote. So read them, learn them, live them!
1. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually marry her.
2. When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.
3. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.
4. A best man's toast may not include any of the following phrases, "down in Tijuana", "one time when we were all piss drunk", or "and this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw".
5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told to your friends by 50% without recrimination, beyond that anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out "bullshit!". (exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)
6. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
7. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
8. Bitching about the brand of free beverages in your buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature is not suitable.
9. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own - grill, car, firstborn child - within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered "lucky" are not applicable in this case.
10. Falling on a grenade for a buddy (agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he's trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.
11. Do not torpedo single friends.
12. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
13. Before dating a buddy's ex you are required to ask his permission. If he grants it, he is however allowed to say, "man, your gonna love the way she licks your balls"
14. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.
15. If a mans zipper is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything!
16. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your best friends birthday is optional)
17. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriends cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
18. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies girlfriends with in 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pal's boyfriends- low level sports bonding is all the law requires.
19. Unless you have a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.
20. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
21. If your girlfriend asks to set your friend up with her ugly, whiny, loser friend of hers, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.
22. Only in a situation of mortal danger or ass peril are you permitted to kick another member of the male species in the testicles.
23. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. This includes men who aren't wearing shirts. If your buddy is outnumbered outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: if during the past 24 hours your friends actions have caused you to think "what this guy needs is a good ass wuppin", in which case you may refrain from getting involved and stand back and enjoy.
24. Friends don’t let friends wear speedos. Ever. Case closed.
25. Fives must be called at all times when getting out of your seat. If not, your seat is up for grabs. However, "house rules" may come into effect, in which case it is left up to the owner of the seat.
26. Shotgun can be called on anything where a shotgun applies., as long as you are in eyesight of the object, or it is at a reasonable time.
27. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes- as long as you don’t let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sideline.
28. If you ever compliment a guy's six pack, you better be talking about his choice of beverage.
29. Never join your girlfriend in ragging on a buddy of yours, unless she is withholding sex, pending your response.
30. Phrases that may never be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"Come on, give me one more, harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers"
"Nice ass! Are you a Sagittarius?"
31. Never hesitate to reach for the last beverage or pizza, but not both. That’s just mean.
32. Never talk to another man in the bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line for all other situations an "I recognize you" nod will do just fine.
33. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch nearby, hang up if necessary.
34. You can not rat out a friend who show's up to work or class with a massive hangover, however you may: hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness on his computer way up so he thinks its broken, or have him paged every seven minutes.
35. If you catch your girl messing around with your best friend, let your states crime of passion laws be your guide.
36. If your buddy is trying to hook up with a girl, you may sabotage him only in a manor that gives you no chances of getting any either.
37. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he can get up on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "fuck off" then you are absolved from all responsibility. Later on it is ok that you have no idea what his girlfriend is talking about.
38. The morning after you and a babe, who was formerly "just a friend", go at it, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to jump on her again before there is a discussion about what a big mistake it was.
39. If a buddy has lint, an eyelash, or any other foreign object on his hair or face, under no circumstances are you permitted to remove it. However an appropriate hand gesture may be made to make him aware of it.
40. An anniversary is recognized on a yearly basis, under no circumstances will anything be celebrated in an interval other than a year
41. When using a urinal in a public restroom, a buffer zone of at least one urinal will exist at all times. If the only empty urinal is directly next to an occupied on, then you are still required to wait. (Exception: at a sporting event where a line has formed to use the pisser)
42. When coming to a room which you know is occupied by your friend and possibly another girl, you must knock and wait for an adequate response. If no response occurs, and the door is locked, a 10 minute period is required before knocking again.
43. The only time dicking over a buddy for a girl is legal, is when the girl ranks a 8 or above on the 1-10 scale. (exception: a girl may rank from 5-7, as long as there is oral sex involved).
44. A mans gotta scratch what a mans gotta scratch. This applies to picking as well. Let the man be.
45. No man shall ever watch any of the following programs on TV:
Figure skating
Men's gymnastics
Any sport involving women (unless viewed for sexual purposes)46. If you accidentally touch or brush against any part of another man below the waist, it is an understood accident, and NO apologies or any reference to the occurrence is necessary.
47. No man shall spend more than 2 minutes in front of a mirror. If more time is required, a three minute waiting period must be allowed before returning to the mirror.
48. Any dispute lasting any longer than 3 minutes will and must be settled by rock, paper, scissors. There is no argument too important for this determining method.
49. No man will ever willingly watch a movie in which the main theme is dancing, and if a man shall happen to view such a movie it is only acceptable if its with a girlfriend.
50. Only acceptable time when a man is allowed to cry:
when a heroic dog dies to save his master.
after being struck in the testicles with anything moving fast than 7 mph.
When your date is using her teeth.
The day Anna Kornikova chooses a husband.
51. If a bet is made, and the challenge is completed, then the bettor may recoup his money by immediately completing a more daring challenge. If he refuses the challenge or chooses not to propose one, then and only then, must the money be paid.
52. Masturbate often. (exception: if your roommate is due back within the hour)
53. If a hot girl shall happen to pass by while you are in an arms reach of your buddy, you must, and will, tap him on the shoulder to make him aware of the babe.
54. A man's shoes may not intentionally match any other article of clothing on his body.
55. No comment shall ever be made to a man about how much he is sweating. In fact, there is no need bring notice to any body part which he may be sweating from.
56. No man shall ever allow anyone to speak ill of The Simpsons or any Rocky movie. (Exception: Rocky V)
57. You have not made any mistake if you find that there are extra pieces after reassembling or assembling an object. In fact, you have just found a way to make that object more efficient.
58. There are is never an occasion in which any shirt without buttons may be tucked in. (Exception: when you are participating in a organized sporting event)
59. Unless you are under the age of 11 or wearing a bathing suit,, DON’T wear whitey tighty's. It still escapes all reasoning as to why they even make them in adult sizes.
60. Any object thrown with reasonable speed and accuracy, MUST be caught.
61. No man shall ever keep track of, or count, the amount of beers he has had in a night.
62. Under no circumstances may two non-related men share a bed or anything which can be perceived as a mattress.
63. In an empty room, car, ect., a man can not ask another man if he is mad because he isn’t talking.
64. If you jiggle more than twice, your playing with it.
65. A man shall never help another man apply sun tan oil.
66. The guy who wants something the most is responsible for getting it.
67. If your friend says "Lick my nuts" as a way to put you down, don't try to be funny by saying "OK" and moving your head towards his crotch, two homosexual references in a row are just plain scary...
68. If you say ouch, you are a pussy!
69. It is the God given duty of every man to assist any other man that may be in need of assistance in obtaining every guys dream (threesome with two girls)
* with every set of laws, there are appropriate punishments. If any man shall happen to break any one of these codes, he will be found guilty, and will, for 24 hours from the time of the violation, be considered NOT A MAN. During this time he will not be referred to in any masculine way, and he shall bear the name Princess.
READER SUBMITIONS UNDER REVISION 1) It is your duty as a heterosexual male to make your buddy aware of any thong sightings in the immediate surroundings, it is even permissable if the girl is butt ass ugly, hey nobody wants to go down alone.
2) There are only three times when its acceptable for a man to say "I love you" to any other man... 1. He's drunk 2. He's dying 3. He's in trouble and it's the only way out of it (which probably means he's drunk anyway)
3) Before attempting to assemble anything, you must hold the ritual "burning of the directions"
4)ammendment to number 7: should read as follows: "7. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness over 5 that she scores on the classic 1-10 scale. Girls that rate 1-5 should be considered guys." *The reason I am ammending this is because I would definitely not wait 30 minutes for a girl that was rated a 3. Editor's Note: What the hell are you doing with a girl that ranks a 3 in the first place! Personally I think you should obey rule 7 and sit on your sorry ass and think for those 30 minutes about what you did wrong to get stuck with a 3! Objection overruled, Rule 7 stands!
5) Beer was also meant to be consumed in the shower, you also get extra points if your beer is consumed by a female who is showering with you.
6) If you spend time with a girl on a regular basis and she loves your company but would never have sex with you, then you are her "gay friend."
7) Don't be that guy....you know who I'm talking about. That guy who breaks all these rules
8) Under no circumstance should a man wear pink.
9) Always offer to buy the first round for your boys. If you don't buy the first round cause a buddy beat you to it, buy the second round or third, etc.
10) If in a locker room, or other area where there are men lacking clothing, comments must never be made on another person's boxers or other undergarments, for it means that you were looking.
11) When one man gets laid, all mankind gets laid. Help your buddy close the deal using ANY means at your disposal.
12) Be wary of committing to chicks that have a lot of good-looking guy friends. However, a guy is encouraged to have many hot friends that are girls, not because you care about their friendship, but because hot girls have other hot friends that become viable targets for your pleasure.
13)if you and a buddy go out drinking and he comes back to your place and throws up you're not allowed to complain unless a) the value of the property he threw up on is more than a hundred dollars total or b) the stain isnt cleaned within 24 hours
14)the only thing a man can brag about what is the smallest, is his cell phone.
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Did You Know...
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home. Maybe at work.)
The male pray mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig. can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....................)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
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 Jack and Betty are celebrating 50 years of marriage. - Betty, I was wondering, have you ever cheated on me? - Oh Jack, why are you asking me now about this stuff? You don't want to know... - Oh yes, Betty, yes, please, I really want to know. Please. - Ok, fine. I cheated you three times. - Three times? When did they happen? - Remember when you were 35 and you really wanted to start your own business and no bank would give you a loan? Remember that one day the President of the bank came personally to our house and signed the loan papers with no questions whatsoever? - Oh Betty, you did it for me! I respect you now more than ever! And the second time? - Well, remember that after your latest heart attack you needed surgergy and the surgeon wouldn't touch you at all? Remember how Professor Damkey came over here to perform the surgery in person and then you were healed? - I can't believe it! Betty, you did this for me, to save my life? There is no better wife than you. This is a proof of how much you love me. I am so grateful to you. And the third time? - Well, remember that, several years ago, you wanted really bad to be the President of the golf club, and you needed 67 more votes? |
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But it's true!!!
EVER WONDER ...
....why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
...why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
....why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
....why doctors call what they do "practice"?
...why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?
...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
....why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
...why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?
...who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
....why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
...why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?
...why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
...why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
...if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
....why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?
AND...
In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Myer hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)
On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
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One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.
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A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she
decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground.The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?" |
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Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping-pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
And, the number one thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina:
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.
Top ten things women would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:
10. Get ahead faster in the corporate world.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine why you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eye and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
And the number one thing women would do if they woke up with a penis...
1. Repeat number 9.
What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?
The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.
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LOCAL SPECIALTY
An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial city for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained. "Señor, these are the cojones," the waiter replied. "The what?" the tourist exclaimed. "They are the testicles of the bull killed in the ring today," said the waiter. The tourist gulped, but tasted the dish anyway. He found it delicious. Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he finished, the tourist commented to the waiter, "Today's cojones are much saltier and smaller than the ones I had yesterday." "True, señor," agreed the waiter. "You see, the bull, he does not always lose."
COUNSELOR VISIT
A young couple, on the brink of divorce, visits a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife, "What's the problem?" She responds, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation." The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, "Is that true?" The husband replies, "Well not exactly, she's the one that suffers, not me."
SEX AND PERFORMANCE
It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, like a marathon race, does not impair an athlete's abilities. In fact, men have known about this for centuries. Want proof? After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"
MAJOR DIFFERENCE
The major difference between death and taxes is that Congress can't make death any worse than it is.
TWO DWARFS
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two women and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again! One, two, three, uh," all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection." The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed."
MAD COW
So a guy and his wife arrives from a business trip and goes to his favorite steakhouse unaware of the mad cow outbreak in his town. The waiter sits them and says, "Our special today is duck or shrimp." The man replies, "I want a T-bone steak medium well." The waiter a bit miffed continues, "What about the mad cow?" The man looks at the waiter and says, "She can order for herself."
NAM VET
Q: How many Viet Nam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: "You don't know! You weren't there!"
YOU COULD HAVE
A husband and wife are on a road trip. They decide to stop at a hotel. They take a room and when they check out, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager. The manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the manager replies. No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But, sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100." "That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the manager. "Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
BIG DIFFERENCE
Q: What's the difference between a hunting dog and a nymphomaniac?
A: A hunting dog sics a duck.
NAMING NAMES
Q: Why do men name their sexual organs?
A: We don't want a total stranger making most of our decisions.
COLD WATER
A young man went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a secluded, rural area. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather, "Are these plates clean?" Grandpa replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal." That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes. So he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather huffed, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now stop being so picky!" Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby restaurant. As he was leaving, Grandpa's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass. He yelled back, "Grandpa, your dog won't let me out!" So Grandpa shouted, "Cold Water, get out of the way!"
PIECE OF PAPER
A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. "I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation." "Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on." The next morning, his wife came up behind him and smacked him again. "What was that for?" he complained. The wife said, "Your dog called last night."
WarningImportant Warning for Men
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
A date rape drug on the market called "Beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs."
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking Beer men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that: "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."
It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."
Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this insidious Beer and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lived for ten more years, and then dies peacefully.
A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the fucking wall!""
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What gender is it?
If you're like most people, common everyday items look inert to you. But what you may not know is that many of them have a gender. For example . . .
Ziploc Bags - Male, because they hold everything in but you can see right through them
Copier - Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed
Tire - Male, because it goes bald and often it's over inflated
Hot Air Balloon - Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it . . . and, of course, there's the hot air part
Sponges - Female, because they're soft and squeezable and retain water
Web Page - Female, because it's always getting hit on
Subway - Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up
Hourglass - Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom
Hammer - Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around
Remote Control - Female . . . Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying
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Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry", said the first one.
"Me, too" said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more.
"I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree", said the first one.
"Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun", said the second.
"O.K." said the first.
They plopped down, basking in the sun.
No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I love baskin' robins."
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QuestionsA Mother is driving her little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "How old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. "It is not polite."
"Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, " ... all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"
"Annnnd," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
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"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right."
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
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The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple of months ago. I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider"
looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me "Do you know how much this is?" and
I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."
She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied,
"Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of
typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of
repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in Twister. I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had
set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~IDIOTS AT WORK...
Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~IDIOTS & COMPUTERS... My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE:
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became
visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy
machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Back in 1996 i was in melbourne for the last four days of the aust open tennis. i was staying at this dive in the city called the city limits
motel. on my last night i decided that i wanted to have a proper meal so I went to the bobby mcgees restuarant two doors down. i walk in and ask for a table for one and i was told that they didn't have tables for one, but what they do have is a very large table so that all single people can sit there and have someone else to talk to. i asked where this table was and was shown a very large round table that had about 14 places. nobody was sitting there. deciding i didn't want to look like a tool i said that i preferred to have a table to myself, the lady told me that they didn't have tables for one person, the smallest table they had was for two. in the end, i got my table for one which was really a table for two but better than a table for 14.
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Lesson Learned
A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a class on observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid.
"This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste."
After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."
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What he said
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says,^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh. The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few
minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers is her ear, Do you have a Dentist appointment tomorrow too?
"The English Language"
Let's face it-English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
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Rudolph's JournalWell, he asked me to do it... AGAIN. Of course, I should've seen this one coming. All the signs were there. I guess I just hoped maybe this year would be different.
I detest the fat bastard, I really do. My hatred for him though pales in comparison to how I feel about the others. Atleast the rest of the year, he tries to make an effort. Oh don't get me wrong, high and mighty Santa isn't falling all over himself to drop by my house or anything, but he will atleast make eye contact and give me one of those nods which means, "Hello, I know you're there, but I don't really want to SAY anything for fear of being uncool." Kind of ridiculous if you ask me. I mean, I know this is his way of setting a "good example" for the other team members, but his good example leaves a lot to be desired.
Anyway, I mentioned all the signs were there. Santa suddenly has a new found interest in my life and my activities. Especially those involving December 24th. One year, just to screw with him, I going to make plans for that night. Then what will he do? I knew he what he was getting at though. And the rest of them too. Everyone all suddenly being all nicey-nice to me. "Hey Rudolph, how's it going?", and "Hey Rudolph, did you check out the game last night?" Do they think I'm stupid? I know they're not really interested. They only want me for my nose. See, if I don't come through on the 24th, they're all out of a job, and they know it. It sucks to have to depend on the one you hate doesn't it?
Donner and Blitzen invited me over for a Bratwurst BBQ with the rest of the guys. Look, I know they're German, but does anyone actually eat that shit? I passed, but I'm sure Dancer and Prancer will be there. Who are they to pass up a long, hard, phallic shaped piece of meat? Hey! There's an idea for Santa, maybe he could tell those two to forego the lubrication for a few nights. Then on Christmas Eve, he could just strap Prancer in backwards and have his bright red ass light the way. HA! I crack me up sometimes.
The only one I have any respect for at all is Dasher. Atleast that guy hates me year round. He's the only one who doesn't get slowly nicer as December approaches. Hey, he may be a prick, but he's an honest prick. Of course, he leads the sleigh. So I guess his distaste for me is deep seeded.
So, here I am. Santa has asked me to drive the damn sleigh... AGAIN. Will I do it? Of course I'll do it. First of all, it's double time and a half holiday pay. Second, it's worth it to see the look on Dasher's face. Third, knowing the rest of the guys are getting a nice view of my ASS is quite comforting. Ew, except for Dancer and Prancer - I just don't swing that way. Maybe I should eat a nice big bowl of Chili and Bran Flakes before flight this year. Rudolph is now GAS POWERED! Wouldn't that be a shock!
I'm a freak. But I'm a freak who likes the fact that he has to be relied upon to get the presents out. Besides, everyone knows that after the flight, Vixen gets all liquored up and goes to bed with the guy that led the flight. So, you know what that means? I'M GETTIN' LAID!!!! WOOO HOOOO!!! Even though it is with a slut like Vixen, who I've had before. Hey, pussy is pussy right? Besides, you ought to see her when she's figured out she got a ride on MY sleigh! Yeah, you weren't complaining about this big red nose last night BITCH!
I LOVE this time of year. See ya'll Christmas Eve, and hopefully I won't shit on your house!
Love,
Rudolph
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DEAR SANTA
Dear Santa I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a f'in book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his *** constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're retarded.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Love,
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging **** may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your *** whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get into your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
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TriviaThe sport with the most number of officials with relation to players is tennis. There are 13 officials for two players.
"Nasophilia" is the arousal from the sight, touch, licking or sucking of a partner's nose.
England is smaller than New England.
Jimmy Hoffa's middle name was Riddle.
About 8.5 billion condoms are produced every year worldwide.
The act of yawning and stretching is called "pandiculation."
Billy goats urinate on their own heads to smell more attractive to females.
Giraffes sleep only five minutes at a time, for a total of about 20 minutes a day.
Iolani Palace, in Hawaii, is the only royal palace in the United States.
The first domain name ever registered was Symbolics.com.
The hymen is named after the Greek god Hymenaeus, the god of marriage and weddings.
Girls have more taste buds than boys.
A comet's tail always points away from the sun.
According to psychologists, the shoe and the foot are the most common sources of sexual fetishism in Western society.
The first bird domesticated by man was the goose.
TRIVIA FROM DribbleGlass.com
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Trivia^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^Sixteen percent of Americans have tattoos. The word "tattoo" comes from the Tahitian word "tattau," which means "to mark."
The sense of smell of sheepdogs is 44 times better than that of humans.
Cats have three eyelids.
The average yawn lasts six seconds.
The largest rock concert ever was a performance by Rod Stewart on New Year's Eve in 1994. More than 3.5 million people took in the show.
Obsessive nose-picking is referred to as "rhinotillexomania."
More than half of lottery jackpot winners go back to work after winning.
The practice of manicuring nails is more than 4,000 years old.
The Old Testament is written with a vocabulary of about 5,800 words. The New Testament, about 4,800.
Tootsie Rolls were the first wrapped penny candy in America.
At one time, Tennessee was called Franklin.
On average, a person passes gas 14 times a day.
In France, the Big Dipper is called the Casserole.
St. Amand of Maastricht is the patron saint of beer.
Hawaii is the only state that grows coffee.
The Sargasso Sea does not have a coastline, because it is located in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.
TRIVA COMPLIMENTS OF DribbleGlass.com
Trivia"Oculolinctus" is a fetish where people are sexually aroused by licking a partner's eyeball.
The average person falls asleep in 12 to 14 minutes.
The heaviest dog breed is the St. Bernard.
A recent survey revealed that wine drinkers are more successful than those who don't drink.
In ancient Greece, if a woman watched even a single Olympic event, she was put to death.
Fifty percent of all marshmallows consumed in the U.S. have been toasted.
Studies indicate that weightlifters working out in blue gyms can handle heavier weights.
Casanova boasted that he made love to the same woman twelve times in one day.
According to experts, there was no punctuation until the 15th century.
There are more nuns over the age of 90 than there are under the age of 40.
Ralph Macchio played a troubled 14-year-old boy in Karate Kid. He was 22 at the time.
A restaurant in China, the Beijing Duck, can seat 9,000 people at one time.
Fifty-four percent of Americans claim to have had sex via phone, e-mail or text message.
Most heart attacks happen between 8:00 a.m. and 9:00 a.m.
Almost all monkeys are near-sighted.
McDonald's uses 2,500 tons of sesame seeds a year.
TRIVIA FROM DribbleGlass.com
More Something FunniesOld Blog
March 2, 2003
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June 15, 2003
November 14, 2003
December 21, 2003
January 23, 2004
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