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This Page changes when I find something that amuses me. No archive. - Mgmt.
Deep ThoughtsIt takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.
As we were driving we saw a sign that said "Watch For Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch For Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke-- just to get out of writing a simple letter. And I thought I was lazy...
Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is not the lion or tiger or even the elephant. The most dangerous animal is a shark riding on an elephant, just trampling and eating everything they see.
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable--until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD.
Once, when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He started telling his story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then, the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car--I forget what kind it was--and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man the best. We called him Uncle Cave Man because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat one of us. Later on we found out he was a bear.
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we_build_ to that.
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess I am a coward.
In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.
Blow ye winds, Like the trumpet blows; But without that noise.
I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to that old board of his. The he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles Tadpoles is a winner " We all thought he was crazy. But then, we had some growing up to do.
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o'-lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.
I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep Dracula _and_Superman away.
Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tip-top and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.
I remember that fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said the Coach, "you never were really _on_ the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yes, I thought, something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think like dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone.
When I heard that trees grow a new "ring" for each year they live, I though, we humans are kind of like that: we grow a new layer of skin each year, and after many years we are thick and unwieldy from all our skin layers.
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.
It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
Marta says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up.
The old pool shooter had won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing to the floor. "Sorry," he said with a smile.
If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a certain lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tells the reader we are going to have fun with this thing.
Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.
If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big, mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big, fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars! "
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine.
I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then, after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science?
When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, "What was _that_?"
I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was watching. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's really embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence. But I think it was just a lucky swing.
Too bad there's not such a thing as a golden skunk, because you'd probably be proud to be sprayed by one.
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can't remember, all rolled into one big "thing." This is truth, to me.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
I bet a fun thing would be to go back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start,and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would have a good laugh.
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off to go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening, when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.
I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say.
Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a "shell" if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard, protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.
A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead drove him to an old, burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
As the evening sun faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your underwear, don't stop and start thinking of what other words have "under" in them, because that's probably the first sign of jungle madness.
Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful.
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham , you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."
I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they'd still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't eat so much.
I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do.
I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain that makes you want to study the brain.
I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy-- something like that.
It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says "You can't throw chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them. Man, wise up.
If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted.
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and really scare you.
If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you could cover fuses in just one class. It's just too rich a subject.
People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is the preening.
If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron " and started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can't think of a single one, unless you count that rattlesnake that granted me all those wishes.
I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick "Americans" as their mascot.
Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's for supper?"
If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life.
I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little bits of cheese? They'd probably break down into their various gases before they even hit.
If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think, "Forgive me, but that's just too much."
Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa Whoa " and flail your arms around, like you're going to fall in.
If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.
It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared jackrabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in another fight, away from the first fight.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
I think a good idea to get into a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then stick a big cactus plant onto your buttocks and start yowling and running around. Everyone would think it was funny, and the head movie guy would say, "Hey, let's put him in the movie."
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?
If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting.
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING?
Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two separate words--"mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone.
I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.
Marta talks about sensuality, but I don't think she'd know sensuality if it bit her on the ass.
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.
Whether they find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.
If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" No. I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots.
Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won't laugh at a man just walking down the street carrying a clown outfit in one of those plastic dry-cleaner bags?
Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, mankind should be thinking about getting more use out of the weapons we already have.
The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions?
I remember we were all horrified to see Grandpa up on the roof with his Superman cape on. "Get down " yelled Uncle Lou. "Don't move " screamed Grandma. But Grandpa wouldn't listen. He walked to the edge of the roof and stuck out his arms, like he was going to fly. I forget what happened after that.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what really throws you into a panic.
I wish my name was Todd, because then I could say, "Yes, my name's Todd. Todd Blankenship." Oh, also I wish my last name was Blankenship.
If you're an ant, and you're walking across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess was why several of us died from tuberculosis.
I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think he put me on this planet to gather specimens and take them back to my home planet.
Just because swans mate for life, I don't think it's that big of a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks that much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life.
If you're robbing a bank, and your pants suddenly fall down, I think it's okay to laugh, and to let the hostages laugh too, because come on, life is funny.
Just as bees will swarm about to protect their nest, so will I "swarm about" to protect my nest of chocolate eggs.
If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the ladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive you up a wall.
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you.
Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn't designed to catch mice at all, but to protect little cheese "gems" from burglars.
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like "Hey, when are you going to pay me that hundred dollars you owe me?" or "Do you have that fifty dollars you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap.
You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle, don't sort of "accidentally" brand each other every once in a while. It's their way of letting off stress.
One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.
If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type of parasite, because this is the part where I take it easy.
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed psychiatrist is our "friend."
When you first start wearing a turban, probably the most common mistake is wrapping it too tight. You have to allow the head to breathe.
If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.
When people say that the desert is lifeless, it just makes me want to grab them by the collar and yell, "Why you stupid, stupid bastard " Then I drive them out into the desert to where the circus is, and point out the many forms of zebra and clown life.
If there was a big gardening convention, and you got up and gave a speech in favor of fast-motion gardening, I bet you would get booed off the stage. They're just not ready.
We like to praise birds for flying. But how much of it is actually flying, and how much of it is just sort of coasting from the previous flap?
Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when you want to ask a question, you just push the button and it lights up a corresponding number on a tote board at the front of the class. Then all the professor has to do is check the lighted number against a master sheet of names and numbers to see who is asking the question.
If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a bow tie that spins or changes colors.
You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water skis. How do they do that?
Whether they live in an igloo or a grass shack or a mud hut, people around the world all want the same thing: a better house.
When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up high behind you to keep people from following too close.
When Rick told me he was having trouble with his wife, I had to laugh. Not because of what he said, but because of a joke I thought of. I told him the joke, but he didn't laugh very much. Some friend HE is.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.
If I was being executed by lethal injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I'd say, "Injection? I thought you said 'inspection.'" They'd probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it.
I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a billion ants just to aim a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I'm doing while they're aiming it at me? I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands.
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when you get your first anvil. How innocent you are, little blacksmith.
What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a feather. That's right, a feather. How could anyone be afraid of a feather, you say. That's an honest question, and I'll try to give an honest answer. First of all, did I say it was a poison feather?
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven and pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, ummmm, boy.
Of all the warning sounds that animals make, I think the one that is least effective on me is a kind of clicking noise.
I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes. Hey, better try the emergency brake.
I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure it. First, you sit the patient down and have a long, personal talk. After that, I'm not sure, but maybe you could throw water in his face or something.
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.
Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk about freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered they were not Indians after all, but dirty clothes hampers.
If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat)?
I wish outer-space guys would conquer Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little basket-beds with my name on it.
I think Superman and Santa Claus are actually the same guy, and I'll tell you why: Both fly, both wear red, and both have a beard.
Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to tell about it. So, he decided to get back in his car and keep driving.
It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets his wings. But what they don't tell you is, every time you hear a mousetrap snap, an angel gets set on fire.
If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said, "Congratulations, it's a girl," I think a good gag would be to get real mad and yell, "A girl ? You must have me mixed up with THAT dork " and point to another father.
I bet what happened was, they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then, that night, they burned the wheel.
The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man."
I remember how, in college, I got that part-time job as a circus clown, and how the children would laugh and laugh at me. I vowed, then and there, that I would get revenge.
If I could be a bird, I think I'd be a penguin, because then I could walk around on two feet with a lot of other guys like me.
The big, huge meteor headed toward the Earth. Could nothing stop it? Maybe Bob could. He was suddenly on top of the meteor--through some kind of space warp or something. "Go, Bob, go " yelled one of the generals. "Give me that" said the big-guy general as he took the microphone away. "Listen, Bob," he said. "You've got to steer that meteor away from Earth." "Yes, but how?" thought Bob. Then he got an idea. Right next to him there was a steering wheel sticking out of the meteor.
If I could come back as a horsefly, I think my favorite thing would be to land on someone's lip. Even if they smash you, ick , you're all over their lip.
I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet bowling." It's just like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet instead of wood. I don't know why we should do this, but my God, we've got to try something.
Isn't it funny how whenever we go to a county fair or a state fair, the first thing we do is see if they have some kind of pornography booth.
A quiz: If I am my brother's brother, who am I? (Answer: me.)
People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they don't understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long, blond hair.
If you want to be the popular one at a party, here's a good thing to do: Go up to some people who are talking and laughing and say, "Well, technically that's illegal." It might just fit in with what somebody just said. And even if it doesn't, so what, I hate this stupid party.
To us, it might look like just a rag. But to the brave, embattled men of the fort, it was more than that. It was a flag of surrender. And after that, it was torn up and used for shoe-shine rags, so the men would look nice for the surrender.
It's easy to sit and scoff at an old man's folly. But also, check out his Adam's apple.
I think one way police departments could make some money would be to hold a yard sale of murder weapons. Many people, for example, could probably use a cheap ice pick.
I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not?
There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage, he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the second stage, he wants to build things, like dams, and maybe chew down some trees. In the third stage, he feels trapped, and then "skinned." I'm not sure what the fourth stage is.
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it, we should say we were just kidding, that this isn't our real civilization, but a gag we hoped they would like. Then we tell them to come back in twenty years to see our real civilization. After that, we start a crash program of coming up with a new civilization. Either that, or just shoot down the aliens as they're waving good-bye.
Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal hat.
I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe there would be thousands of other people shrunken down to ant-size, and we would get together and dig tunnels down into the ground, and live there. But don't ever call us "ants," because we hate that.
If you're travelling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect things one way or the other. But here's the point I'm trying to make: Corn on the cob is good, isn't it.
I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egypt, one thing you would constantly find yourself telling people would be, "Be sure, before I start, you have all the jewelry and so forth on the body, because I am NOT unwrapping him later."
If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes out and he's dragging the rattrap because it didn't quite kill him, just tell the people he's your pet and that's a trick you taught him.
If I had the time to sit down and write a thank-you note to everyone who sent me a nice, expensive present, what a wonderful world that would be.
You know one thing that will make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.)
It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate with me. I would see him fly into the house across the way, pick up the telephone, and dial. My phone would ring, and it would be him, but it was just this squawking and cheeping. "What? What? " I would yell back, but he never did speak English.
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade.
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you, because, hey, free dummy.
Sports Quotes - including some you've never heard
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said:"To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record in 1992: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. I just can't figure out where else to play."
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints General Manager, when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy, no good officiating."
Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker."
Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot."
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said,'Coach, I don't know and I don't care."
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
And the Gem:
Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."
Ouch
Why couldn't Helen Keller Drive?Because she was a woman.
Fill In The Blank Football
Q: What do you call 47 people sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A: The New Orleans Saints.Q: What do the New Orleans Saints and Billy Graham have in common?
A: The both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".Q: How do you keep a New Orleans Saint out of your yard?
A: Put up goal posts.Q: Where do you go in New Orleans in case of a tornado?
A: To the Superdome - they never get a touchdown there!Q: What do you call a New Orleans Saint with a Super Bowl ring?
A: A thief.Q: Why doesn't Baton Rouge have a professional football team?
A: Because then New Orleans would want one.Q: Why was Jim Haslett upset when the New Orleans Saints play book was stolen?
A: Because he hadn't finished coloring it.Q: What's the difference between the New Orleans Saints and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar.Q: How do the New Orleans Saints count to 10?
A: 0-1, 0-2, 0-3, 0-4, 0-5, 0-6, 0-7, 0-8, 0-9, 0-10Q: How many New Orleans Saints does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A: Nobody knows and we may never find out.Q: What do the New Orleans Saints and possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road !
WON'T DO ANY GOOD
A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?" "Okay, but it won't do you any good." A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?" "Okay, but it won't do you any good." He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay, but it won't do you any good." They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife." She says, "Oh, that's different. Send her in."
WHAT IS IT
Q. What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
A. Sexual harassment.
Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A. $3.99 a minute.BOXING
A man and his wife are watching boxing on TV. The husband sighs and says, "I'm disappointed. It was all over in four minutes." The wife replies, "Good! Now you know how I feel."THE WINKING PROBLEM
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry, we can't hire you." "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking." "Really? Great! Show me." So, the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms. Finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills and stops winking. "Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country." "Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" said the interviewer. "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"LIGHT AND HARD
Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can go to sleep with a light on.PERSONAL QUESTIONS
A mom is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. "It is not polite." "O.K.," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?" "That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. "My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?" "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is shocked. "How in heavens name did you find that out?" "And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce." "Oh, really?" the mother asks. "Why?" "Because you got an 'F' in sex."CROSSED DOGS
Q: What do you get if you cross a pit bull with Lassie?
A: A dog that chews your leg off, then fetches the doctor.THIRTEEN CANARIES
Three young women are at a cocktail party. Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other, The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor. The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride. The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. But 13 canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect penis." The first woman looks shame-faced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We're not really going to the French Riviera. We're going to my parent's house for two weeks." The second woman says, "Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes. He bought me a Taurus." "Well," the third woman says, " I also have a confession to make. Canary number 13 has to stand on one leg."LEPRECHAUN
Did you hear about the gay leprechaun? He came out of the cupboard.WALKING LADY
Suzie asked her mommy if she could take Lady, her dog, for a walk. "Not today sweetie, Lady is in heat!" Mommy said. "What do mean, Mommy?" asked Suzie. Not knowing how to explain this to Suzie, she suggested that Suzie should go to the garage and ask her father. Suzie asked, "Daddy, I want to take Lady for a walk but Mommy said I can't because she is in heat?" "Well," Daddy pondered. "Bring Lady over here." With that, he soaked a rag with gasoline and rubbed it on Lady's backside. "Now you can take Lady for a walk," Daddy said. An hour later, Daddy saw Suzie walking up the driveway with no Lady in sight. Daddy asked, "Where's Lady?" Suzie said, " Lady ran out of gas halfway home. But don't worry. Butch, the neighbor's dog is pushing her home."
The topic for today is quantum physics. Quantum physics was developed in the 1930's, as a result of a bet between Albert Einstein and Niels Bohr, to see who could come up with the most ridiculous theory and still have it published. Most people agree that Bohr won hands down, although Einstein did very well in the swimsuit competition.
One of the most important researchers in quantum physics is Werner Heisenberg, a man with a wonderful sense of humor, who was always cracking one-liners, like "delta-p times delta-x is less than h!" Ha! ha! What a card! This is known as Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle,
which is closely related to Goedel's Incompleteness Theorem, which says that some things are true, but you can't prove them, like when my wife and I argue over whether it's her turn to take out the garbage or not.What Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle says is that if something is small enough, you can't say anything about it. Anyone with the I.Q. of baking powder immediately understood that this means that if you look at something so small that you can't even *see* it, like my dog, Oscar Wilde's, brain, then you obviously can't tell, say, what color it is.
But some people didn't get the joke, and decided to investigate this principle further. They would gather and sit around all day, drinking beer and performing "Gedankesexperimenten," or "Thank God we're theoretical physicists so we don't have to get our hands dirty with
particle accelerators and other heavy machinery." The most famous of these is Schroedinger's Cat, where several physicists kidnap Erwin Schroedinger's cat Fluffy and lock it up in a box, along with a radioactive source such as Cheez Doodles. Then they walk around with concerned expressions on their faces, commenting about how they don't
know what's going on inside the box. This goes on until the cleaning lady discovers the box, opens it and tells the physicists whether the cat is dead, or whether it has mutated into a man-eating flea the size of Norway.The point of this experiment is to show that uncertainty at the quantum level can be detected in the macroscopic world and produce widespread anxiety and paranoia. It also explains why paper clips just lie there while you look at them, but as soon as you turn your back, they run away, giggling wildly, and transform themselves into coat hangers.
Another famous researcher is Richard Feynman, who invented Feynman diagrams, which are bunches of squiggly lines with greek letters next to them. The way they were discovered was, one day, Hans Bethe came in to Feynman's office to say that some of the guys down in particle research were having a jam session down by the cyclotron, and would Richard like to come over and bring his bongos? Feynman was out, at the time, cracking a safe or something, so Bethe tried to leave him a note. On the desk, he found one of Feynman's daughter's kindergarten drawings. Bethe couldn't make head or tail of it, and figured that if
even he couldn't understand it, then it must be something Terribly Clever, and promptly called it a Feynman diagram.This was a major scientific breakthrough, and ever since, proud parents have been hanging their children's Feynman diagrams on refrigerators with little muon-shaped magnets, confident that their Little Darlings are developing important scientific theories every day, because they
are, after all, Gifted Children.
Oscar was an unlucky sap. Having just spent megabucks on a skydiving class, he dove out of the airplane and pulled the ripcord. The chute emerged, tangled, and he cut it free. He then pulled the cord on the reserve chute, and it also was tangled. He prayed to his God and
looked down to the ground below. To his amazement, a woman was coming up with equal velocity."Hey, you know anything about parachutes?" he shouted to her, as they passed by.
The reply: "No... you know anything about Coleman stoves?"
Elderly woman meets elderly gentleman on the street.
Her: Aren't you Ed Filby? I haven't seen you in thirty-years.
Him: That's me.
Her: You look pretty good - but a little pale. Where you been?
Him: Been in jail actually.
Her: Really! What did you do?
Him: Well, I killed my wife. I chopped her up in little pieces and
put her in the garbage disposal.Her: Oh!... so you're not married!
TWENTY-THREE THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW
1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing
in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so
good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real
world.
Short Quiz
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a "professional". Scroll down for each answer. The questions are not that difficult.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator door, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator door, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator. Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show you abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.
Politically Correct Terms For Females
* She does not get PMS; She becomes HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL
* she does not have a killer body; She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE
* she is not a bad cook; She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE
* she is not a bad driver; She is AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED
* she is not a perfect 10; She is NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR
* she is not easy; She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
* she does not hate sports on TV; She is ATHLETICALLY BIASED
* she does not have sexy lips; She is COLLAGEN DEPENDENT
* she does not get drunk; She is ACCIDENTALLY OVER SERVED
* You do not ask her to dance;
You request a PRECOITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE
* she is not a gossip; She is a VERBAL TERMINATOR
* she does not work out too much; She is an ABDOMINAL OVERACHIEVER
* she does not have a great butt; She has GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS
* she is not hooked on soap operas; She is MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED
* she is not cold or frigid; She is THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE
* she does not wear too much makeup; She is COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED
* she does not have a great rack; Her breasts are CENTRALLY LOCATED
* she will never gain weight she will become a metabolic underachiever
* She is not a screamer or moaner; She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE
* She does not shave her legs;
She experiences TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION
* She does not have a hard body; She is ANATOMICALLY INFLEXIBLE
* She does not sun bathe; she experiences SOLAR ENHANCEMENT
* Her breasts will never sag; they will LOSE THEIR VERTICAL HOLD
* She does not shop too much;
She is OVERLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS
* She does not cut you off; She becomes HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE
* She does not have big hair; she is OVERLY AEROSOLED
* She does not snore; She is NASALLY REPETITIVE
* She does not get drunk; She becomes VERBALLY DYSLEXIC
* She does not have big hooters; Her cups RUNNETH OVER
* She is not too skinny; She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT
Politically Correct Terms For Males* He does not have a beer gut;
He develops a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
* He is not quiet; He is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.
* He does not have a fabulous rear end;
He has achieved BUTTOCKS PERFECTION.
* He is not stupid; He suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.
* He does not get lost all the time;
He discovers ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
* He is not balding; He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
* You do not buy him a drink;
You initiate an ALCOHOL-FOR-CONVERSATION EXCHANGE.
* He does not fart and belch; He is GASTRONOMICALLY EXPRESSIVE.
* His jeans are not too tight; He is ANATOMICALLY UNDERCIRCULATED.
* He is not a redneck; He is a GENETICALLY-RELATED AMERICAN.
* You do not kiss him; you become FACIALLY CONJOINED.
* He is not a cradle robber;
He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
* He does not get falling-down drunk;
He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
* He does not act like a total ass;
He develops A CASE OF RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
* He is not shortHe is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.
* He does not have a rich daddy;
He is a RECIPIENT OF PARENTAL ASSET INFUSION.
* He does not constantly talk about cars;
He has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.
* He does not have a hot body; He is PHYSICALLY COMBUSTIBLE.
* He is not unsophisticated; He is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.
* He does not eat like a pig; He suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA.
* He does not hog the blankets; He is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.
* He is not a sex machine; he is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED.
* He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has SWINE EMPATHY.
* You do not undress him with your eyes;
You have AN INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENT.
* He is not afraid of commitment; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
The Shit List
(Thanks to MERRILY)Sometimes when shit happens, you want to be able to articulate the experience more than just you've, taken a shit. Here are some shit definitions to help you explain the situation better to your friends and family...
Ghost Shit
You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl.Teflon Coated Shit
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!Gooey Shit
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.Second Thought Shit
You're all done wiping your ass and you're about to stand up when you realize it.....you've got some more.Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit
This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.Bali Belly Shit
You shit so much you lose 5 kilos.Right Now Shit
You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.King Kong or Commode Choker Shit
This shit is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else's house.Wet Cheeks Shit
This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your ass wet.Wish Shit
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit!Cement Block or Oh God Shit
You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you shit.Snake Shit
This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.Cork Shit (Also Known as Floater Shit)
Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This shit usually happens at someone else's house.Mexican Food Shit (also called Screamers)
You'll know it's alright to eat again when your asshole stops burning.Beer Drunk Shit
This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit doesn't smell too bad, but this shit is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of shit also usually happens at someone else's house.The Frightened Turtle
The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back inThe Bungee Shit
The kind of shit that just hangs off your ass before it falls into the water.The Ring of Fire Shit
The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your asshole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.The Crippler
The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.The Big Bobber
The kind of shit that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang
The kind of shit that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.The Incredible Hulk Shit The king of shit that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.
The Jack the Ripper Shit
The kind of shit that yanks out the hair of your ass as it pushes its way out.The Party Pooper
The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.The Toxic Gas Shit
The kind of shit that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.Dirty Bowl Shit
The kind of shit that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.The Windy City Shit
When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a shit.Oh Shit! Shit
You shit so much and wipe your ass so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH SHIT!The Never Ending Shit
It's the shit that keeps running out of your ass like pee, and just when you start wiping your ass your stomach gargles and, splash, more shit runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.Ouch That Hurt Shit
The type of shit that leaves you feeling like you just hopped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours
JOB-SEARCH JARGONWhether you are a student looking for that first time or summer job or a long time veteran looking for a change of pace, this clarification of typical job-search jargon should help you get on your way.
COMPETITIVE SALARY:
It is, if you live in China.SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:
More life in a box of old batteries.MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you and you'll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers.SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:
... who still live with their parents and won't mind our work experience-level salaries.MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
We have no quality control.DEGREE PREFERRED:
Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy or English.NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
We've filled the job; our call for CVs is just a legal formality.SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:
We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no basic salary; And you'll wait 60 days for your first pay cheque.SELF-MOTIVATED:
Management won't answer your questions.CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to allow people to buy smart clothesCOMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:
We have a high staff turnover.SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:
When we screw up, you take the flak.DUTIES WILL VARY:
You¹re the office dogsbody.CAREER-MINDED:
The next step up the career ladder is even worse than what you do now.SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, but with the pay of a Bangladeshi rug weaver.GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want you to do.ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD AND TROUBLESHOOT:
You¹re working for a bunch of screw upsFLEXIBLE HOURS:
55 to 70 hours; get paid for 40.
Trivia
Just two mammals possess hymens. Humans and horses.Henry Ford never had a driver's license.
In Los Angeles, 136 hours a year are wasted by the average commuter in slowed or stopped traffic.
During World War I, French soldiers were nicknamed Poilu, meaning "hairy ones."
In a study of more than 80,000 American women, those who drank moderately had only half the heart attack risk of those who didn't drink at all.
Americans currently have $700 billion in credit card debt.
The typical driver will honk their car horn 15,250 times during their lifetime.
The custom of a red lantern to signify a brothel was first introduced in Avignon, France, in 1234.
The most extras ever used in a movie was 300,000, for the film Gandhi in 1981.
In London, it rains more on Thursdays than any other day of the week.
It takes 4,000 grains of sugar to fill a teaspoon.
Animal, that famous Muppet drummer, was inspired by Keith Moon of The Who.
Summers on Uranus are 21 Earth-years long.
Forty percent of women say they have thrown footwear at men.
The U.S. Post Office handles 43 percent of the world's mail.
City Girl
Amy, a city girl, marries a farmer.One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says to her, "The artificial insemination man is coming to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a big nail into the two-by-four over the cow's stall. You show him where it is."
The farmer leaves, and a while later, the artificial insemination man arrives. Amy takes him down the rows of cows until she sees the nail.
She says, "This is the one, right here." The man says, "How do you know?" Amy says, "By the nail over its stall."
The man says, "What's the nail for?"
Amy says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."
Little Girl
This is truly a heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.
The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a crew building a house."
"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will if those useless sons-a-bitches at Home Depot ever bring us any drywall that's worth a shit!"
Jet Landing
A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto".He forgot to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?"
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge boobs out for dinner... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and fuck her all night."
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a crap first."
MetaphorsCourtesy of Kristin
These apparently, are metaphors from actual GCSE essays:
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.
Murphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on 31p -a- pint night.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.